President George W. (Dubya) Bush will be delivering his State of the Union Address this Monday Night, January 28th, 2008 at 9pm EST.
Unlike last year, there is some cause for celebration as this will be the last address Dubya will deliver as President. Still, he has plenty of time to muck things up, so with equal parts fear and joy, the only way to get through this is to drink up!
Those who got drunk with me last year will notice a return of many of last year’s favorite rules, but stay focused, there’s much CHANGE from last year, and remember, folks, we all love the buzzword of CHANGE!
Here are the rules for The State of the Union Drinking Game, version 2008, Last Year of the Dubya:
Drink Every Time:
-Dubya mentions “The Surge” and how it’s working in Iraq.
-Dubya mentions the need to keep long-term military operations in Iraq and/or Afghanistan.
-Dubya mentions Iran, Pakistan, or North Korea in or out of the context of talking about “nukes”.
-Dubya announces a new PC-term his aides have created for “The War on Terror” or simply mentions the “The War on Terror” or mentions “9/11”.
-Dubya talks about the “Stimulus Package” that will help keep the economy from slipping into recession.
-Dubya talks about the current Presidential Primaries, the upcoming Presidential Election, or CHANGE.
-Dubya squints really hard, furrows his brow, purses his lips, and looks like a chimpanzee.
-Dubya butchers the English language with the mispronunciation of a big word, the missuse of a commonly used word, or the creation of a word that did not previously exist.
-They cut to a shot of John McCain looking tired, grizzled, or electrifying the electorate with his new “smirky stoic” stare. *Note: My sources tell me John McCain will be in Florida gunning for votes and will not be in attendance. Dang!
-They cut to a shot of Hillary Clinton folding her arms, looking constipated, and even more pissed than when Bill said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky.”
-They cut to a shot of Barack Obama looking thoughtful, pensive, and confident.
-They cut to a shot of Condaleeza Rice clapping like the lap dog she is.
-Nancy Pelosi (in the background sitting behind the President) looks very stiff and bug-eyed as she tries to hold back a massive attack of “head shaking” and “oh, no he didn’t” gazes.
-Nancy Pelosi blinks. (You’ll be drunk before Dubya even opens his mouth.)
-Dick Cheney (also in his place sitting behind the President) appears to be leaning too far to one side and is about to topple over in a heart attack or strain from an evil grimace.
-The Republican (and still minority) side of the House gives Dubya a completely unwarranted standing ovation.
*Surgeon General’s Warning: If you drink too much, you may find yourself in a coma and not awake until 2009 when a Democrat is back in the White House.
Written by David H. Schleicher