I am disheartened to report, ladies and gentlemen, that Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (the film based on the Seth Grahame-Smith novel) is a most spurious piece of anti-Vampire-American propaganda that tarnishes their good name and celebrates their horrific and callous mass destruction! The litany of crimes attributed to Vampire-Americans is legion. Would you believe the following?
The reason slavery flourished in the American South? Vampires!
The reason a young Abraham Lincoln got into politics? Vampires!
The main cause of the Civil War? Vampires!
The reason poor Willie Lincoln became ill and died in childhood? Vampires!
The source of Mary Todd Lincoln’s depression and madness? Vampires!
But seriously…to all of those crying foul over this preposterously premised film not containing a single note of humor…well, you obviously missed the joke. I applaud the filmmakers’ absolute conviction in presenting the material dead seriously. Taking a Zombieland approach wouldn’t have worked and would’ve made the film even more painful to sit through.
What are fair game, however, are the film’s obvious flaws such as the clamoring sound design that rendered some dialogue incomprehensible coupled with some of the most hacksawed editing this side of a Michael Bay film where scenes or spoken lines were often cut off mid-thought only to race to another scene before the viewer could even digest what happened. Continue reading