I am disheartened to report, ladies and gentlemen, that Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (the film based on the Seth Grahame-Smith novel) is a most spurious piece of anti-Vampire-American propaganda that tarnishes their good name and celebrates their horrific and callous mass destruction! The litany of crimes attributed to Vampire-Americans is legion. Would you believe the following?
The reason slavery flourished in the American South? Vampires!
The reason a young Abraham Lincoln got into politics? Vampires!
The main cause of the Civil War? Vampires!
The reason poor Willie Lincoln became ill and died in childhood? Vampires!
The source of Mary Todd Lincoln’s depression and madness? Vampires!
But seriously…to all of those crying foul over this preposterously premised film not containing a single note of humor…well, you obviously missed the joke. I applaud the filmmakers’ absolute conviction in presenting the material dead seriously. Taking a Zombieland approach wouldn’t have worked and would’ve made the film even more painful to sit through.
What are fair game, however, are the film’s obvious flaws such as the clamoring sound design that rendered some dialogue incomprehensible coupled with some of the most hacksawed editing this side of a Michael Bay film where scenes or spoken lines were often cut off mid-thought only to race to another scene before the viewer could even digest what happened. Some of the special effects were especially murky and shoddily done, often filtered through fog or darkness or obnoxiously slowed down or sped up in that nauseating trend that’s been our curse ever since The Matrix.
There’s plenty to enjoy here, too. Caleb Deschanel is one of the best cinematographers in the business and he provides a moodily lit atmosphere. The costumes and make-up are also top-notch. Rasputin-esque director Timur Bekmambetov provides some fun visual flourishes, mad dissolves and Scorsese-ian scene transitions that are really rather clever when they are not being undermined by the editing. He also stages a great train-careening-over-a-burning-bridge climax that makes up for much of the nonsense earlier in the film. The good and the bad elements are worked up into such a maelstrom, there are times when the action on-screen becomes abstractly loony as evidenced in the horse stampede sequence.
In conjunction with the dead serious tone, the cast is sufficiently game. As the title character, Benjamin Walker is somewhat wooden in his line deliveries but he provides a commanding physical presence. His Lincoln is a stoic, socially awkward, but athletically agile hero. Meanwhile, as Mary Todd, Mary Elizabeth Winstead (appealingly cute, and who the kids these days apparently refer to as MEW…awwww…) acts as if she was cast in Spielberg’s upcoming Lincoln biopic rather than this schlock and goes for the gusto with an ingenue aplomb. There’s a particularly satisfying denouement involving swift justice delivered by a toy silver sword to the female vampire responsible for young Willie’s death, and a hilariously prescient, “Abraham, we’re going to be late for the theater!” line at the end that had me howling. Winstead doesn’t give a lick about any of the inherent silliness and gives one of the most winning performances I’ve seen in this type of film in a long, long time.
Arbitrarily ridiculous at times, hampered by lousy editing and sound design, but also earnest and endearing in its conviction to hold the tone, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter isn’t exactly a good movie, but it’s fun, and there are far worse ways to kill a few hours in the summertime. I mean have you seen True Blood this season? Talk about painful! I’ll take Abe over that tripe any day!
Written by David H. Schleicher
The Schleicher Spin 
I saw the trailer and didn’t like it too much. But your review makes me think twice—I might as well watch it for fun, maybe on DVD.
Neat review.
It’s worth a spin when it’s on DVD, Prakash.
they say i need to go to rehab . . . i said no no no. and so it goes for Abraham Lincoln Vampire Slayer. Trailer did not move me. Your review is interesting and nuanced but also says no no no.
Dianne – LMAO – I want this song out of my head, but it said no no no.
Nice! It’s always the vampires…
Great review! Still a rental in my book, but your take on it has made me anticipate its arrival on Redbox or wherever I’ll find it…
Julio – I imagine in the comforts of one’s own home a few beers will add to the experience.
So true of so many movies. 🙂
I missed this one by 5 minutes this morning so saw Brave instead. Even with your unenthusiastic review I’m not sure I made a better choice…
Oh interesting…Brave not so good, huh? You know my feelings on animation – so I probably won’t be checking it out any time soon.
Well, unlike Jason, I will admit I liked BRAVE to the tune of 4 of 5. Lovely Pixar film, that the kids also liked. A few songs were watered down but generally, Patrick Doyle’s score was quite good. What i did not like this week were the highly-praised BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD and Soderberg’s MAGIC MIKE. But as to ABRAHAM LINCOLN, I have avoided it like the plague, and am happy to hear it isn’t devoid of at a few nice touches. Excellent piece here David!
Sam – I’m surprised to hear about Beasts of the Southern Wild – it’s been getting raves. Magic Mike looks horrible – but then I don’t think we were the target audience on that one.
[…] David Schleicher features ‘The Pros and Cons of Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter’ at The Schleicher Spin: https://theschleicherspin.com/2012/06/27/the-pros-and-cons-of-abraham-lincoln-vampire-hunter/ […]
[…] David Schleicher features ‘The Pros and Cons of Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter’ at The Schleicher Spin: https://theschleicherspin.com/2012/06/27/the-pros-and-cons-of-abraham-lincoln-vampire-hunter/ […]
I’m sure the decision not to camp it up helps the movie, but in re-imagining an iconic figure I prefer the approach in the Finnish movie “Rare Exports,” in which Santa ends up being something out of the darker places on a Middle-Earth map. This one also plays the material straight, but its scope is modest and its mood more personal than epic.
I liked Rare Exports, too, and I would say it’s probably a better film than this in terms of the craft and care that went into it – though they are equal on the “entertainment” front.
I admit I haven’t seen the Lincoln movie, but I assume it’s a CGI-fest of out-sized proportions. Besides, living in Illinois I side with the Lincoln-lovers who find the movie a little stupid, to say the least–although I work at a college where two of its distinguished Lincoln scholars contributed their expertise to the film. Oh, well; I guess “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Debater” wouldn’t fill the seats.
It kinda makes me laugh that they hired historical consultants for such an inherently silly project.
[…] David Schleicher features ‘The Pros and Cons of Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter’ at The Schleicher Spin: https://theschleicherspin.com/2012/06/27/the-pros-and-cons-of-abraham-lincoln-vampire-hunter/ […]
[…] David Schleicher features ‘Trailer Park Art in the Master” at The Schleicher Spin: https://theschleicherspin.com/2012/07/21/trailer-park-art-in-the-master/ […]
It’s a fun movie. It does take itself a little seriously, but it provides some laughs. Here’s my review: http://randomfilmbuff.com/2012/06/25/abraham-lincoln-vampire-hunter-a-movie-review-7-2/