Bad Movie Marathon

Twas the stars and my Netflix queue aligned this weekend as the Hurri-Rain-Pocalypse pimp-slapped the East Coast (thanks El Nino!) and delivered to my mailbox were no less than three monumentally bad movies to pass the time as flood waters receded.  One of these films was so awful, it reached that rarified pantheon where film buffs bestow upon special movies the title of “So Bad it’s Good.”  In fact, I dare say, it might be the perfect “Bad Movie” and one that had me entertained and laughing for its entire 2 hour 38 minute run time.  Good Citizens of Filmlandia …I give you…Roland Emmerich’s DUN-DUN-DUH 2012!

"Umm...kids...I don't think we're going to make it to the Gap's End of the World Super Sales Spectacular this weekend."

2012:  Every German director has their fetish.  Fritz Lang was famously obsessed with the rising power of the Third Reich and the psychology of mob rule vs. individual insanity.  Uwe Boll is a wunderkind when it comes to German tax loop-holes that allow his investors to cash in every time one of his video-game adaptations bombs.  Roland Emmerich has a thing for destroying monuments in his disaster films.  In 2012, he takes it a step further by not only laying waste to international monuments but also natural wonders, gleeful in his painted-CGI green-screen destruction of cities, coastlines and mountain ranges.

Ah yes, it is that auteur stamp and clueless “everything and the kitchen sink” mentality of Heir Emmerich that makes 2012 the masterpiece of bad cinema that it is.  Where does this rank in his hallowed canon?  Well, it’s not quite as good as Independence Day where he was the first to turn The Thing that is Will Smith into a demigod and box office behemoth (who still rules the earth to this day), but it is way more entertaining than the sleep-inducing The Day After Tomorrow.  Let’s face it, when it comes to uber-successful bad directors, Emmerich is the ying to Michael Bay’s yang.  Emmerich is all geeked-up on crazy pseudo-science and bad CGI where Bay is fueled by technical gadgetry and pyrotechnics.  Emmerich is childishly naive and optimistic where Bay is cynical and exploitative.  Emmerich also possesses a sense of humor that is normally regulated to former Austrian body-builders turned California governors.  Both filmmakers routinely churn out craptacular blockbusters that make insane amounts of money, but it is only Emmerich who has the power to capture our hearts…our dear, dumb, tone-deaf bleeding hearts.

Behold in 2012:  Monuments collapsing!  Skyscrapers toppling!  The Himalayas flooding!  Black people giving rousing speeches!  Russian mistresses drowning!  Fathers and sons crying!  Marriages crumbling!  Divorcees reuniting!  Amanda Peet running!  John Cusack being a smart-ass!  Oliver Platt as a smarmy politician!  Danny Glover as the President!  An unnecessary “jazz musicians on a cruise ship” sub-plot!  A courageous little kick-me dog scampering for its life!  A little boy deciding to be a hero at the last-minute as a way to bond with dad!

What did you say?  You can get all that action from a Michael “Bomb” Bay film?  M. Night Shyamalan-a-ding-dong can deliver the same idiotic Hallmark-card sentimentality?  Oh…but could they deliver this:

Witness in 2012 the most hilarious death scene ever involving a fat Russian billionaire trying to save his two overweight kids and the single worst last line ever written for a film.  The closing scene involves a little girl telling her daddy (Cusack) after the world has been destroyed that she no longer needs to wear pull-ups at night, to which he replies, “Nice.”

So there you have it, Roland Emmerich’s parenting tip:  If your child still wets the bed, the best cure is to flood the entire earth (except for Africa) and kill 6 billion people.  Brilliant.

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If destroying the earth isn’t your thing, how about spending 90 minutes with stupid college kids and Nazi Zombies in Sweden in Dead Snow?

The long awaited sequel to SNOW DOGS.

The recipe here is simple:  Take the plot of Leprechaun, replace titular Irish fiend with Nazi Zombies looking for their stash of gold, move the setting to Sweden, and blend with Cabin Fever…and voila!  Dead Snow:  A Movie as Dumb as its Title.  There is some real stomach churning hardcore gore that should please genre fans and some nice photography of the Swedish mountains, but man…I always imagined a movie about Nazi Zombies would show a little bit more…life.  All puns intended, this flick was dead on arrival.

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Jamie Foxx is just one BOAT TRIP away from joining Cuba Gooding Jr. in the “Post Oscar Win Career Implosion Club.”

And lastly we have Law Abiding Citizen, a moronic Law & Order meets Saw mash-up starring Jamie Foxx (who really needs to stop doing movies like this just for the paycheck) and Gerard Butler (in his latest desperate attempt to become a box office star).  This is only worth watching if you’re a person who thinks more films should be made in Philadelphia (man, the city looks good in this) or if you enjoy watching Viola Davis act the bejesus out of any role (here she plays the no-nonsense Philly mayor).  Otherwise, take a pass on this tedious, vile piece of trash.

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The Official “Things the ‘Spin Learned during this Bad Movie Marathon” 

  1. Sometimes the best way to pass the time when rain and 50-mph winds whip around outside is to watch a disaster film about the flooding of the entire earth.
  2. Both German film directors and German zombies have an uncanny ability to suck big time even when every fiber of your being tells you they should kick-ass because they’re German, man.
  3. Every movie could be made worse by simply adding a cruise ship…and perhaps the recipe for the worst movie ever made would be one that takes place on a cruise ship…in the artic…during a blizzard at sea…with Cuba Gooding Jr…and Nazis…and zombies…and lawyers.  Oh, and dogs.  Directed by Uwe Boll of course.  Quick, is there a video game with that plot yet?
  4. Legal thrillers and torture-porn do not mix.
  5. The City of Brotherly Love should become the new Vancouver.

Written by David H. Schleicher

 

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8 comments on “Bad Movie Marathon

  1. Sam Juliano says:

    I laughed more than once reading this David, but I can’t really argue on these films, as they are trashy to their cores. I did gain some camp value from DEAD SNOW though, and am curious to see how it will go over on DVD. But 2012 is really a joke!

    Sam, in the right mood I might’ve liked Dead Snow more, but I still can’t get over how much I enjoyed 2012…truly the best comedy of the last few years! –DHS

  2. Sam Juliano says:

    LOL!!!!!!!!!!! Aye David, I hear ya!

  3. Prakash says:

    ROFL! ROFL!

    I think this line in your review just did me in. I laughed my ass out when you said:
    “Emmerich also possesses a sense of humor that is normally regulated to former Austrian body-builders turned California governors. Both filmmakers routinely churn out craptacular blockbusters that make insane amounts of money, but it is only Emmerich who has the power to capture our hearts…our dear, dumb, tone-deaf bleeding hearts.”

    But, I am sure you’ll agree with me when I say that such dumb movies need to be made. Because BAD movies bring out the BEST reviews from us; they give us an opportunity to explore our funnier/cynical side.

    And I completely agree about 2012 being one of the best dumbest, unintentionally funny movies ever made. And 2012 is definitely the year of the disaster. Guess why? Coz Emmerich’s yet to be titled movie might release in that year. (Bad joke, ah!) 😉

    Prakash, oh I agree, bad movies are essential. Also, how would we know how good a good movie is without a bad movie to compare it to? These types of bad films make me appreciate quality films even more. And they are a great source of entertainment! –DHS

  4. Annie says:

    Cannot be more agree with you. 2012 is not a movie about disaster. It IS a disaster!

  5. John Greco says:

    Hysterical David really enjoyed this. The best review I have read on “2012.” I have not seen any of these but that is quite a marathon you had there. Of the three, LAW BIDING CITIZEN is the one I have been most tempted to eventually see but I may have to switch to the Emmerich debacle. One of my favorite so bad its good movies is THE OSCAR , a 1966 wreck with Stephen Boyd, and with Tony Bennett making his screen debut as Hymie Kelly! The name alone should tell you what you in for.

    John, oh, 2012 must be seen to be believed. –DHS

  6. Jess says:

    D.H., if you want a movie that is so bad it’s good, they you should see The Happening. I actually want to watch that one again, it was so bad. Badly acted, badly written, badly directed, badly shot… this movie was a train wreck! It was SUCH a bad movie, that I want to watch it again just to laugh at Mark Whalberg’s “acting.” I know a lot of people love Mark because of his rap career (haha), but you cannot say that he is not to bad because of his role in The Departed. ONE ROLE… and it did NOT take that much talent. I could rant about this for hours, but the point is if you haven’t already seen The Happening, see it, but just expect entertainment based SOLELY on the fact that the movie is SO terrible.

    Jess, good pick! I am right there with you. The Happening was fantastically awful. I loved every stupid minute of it. –DHS

  7. ccyager says:

    Hi, David,

    Haven’t seen any of these films, but was thinking of renting “2012.” I agree with you about Gerard Butler. I cringe away from the very sight of him.

    Glad you survived the storm!

    Cinda

    Cinda, there is something inherently unlikable about Gerard Butler. 2012 is a must if you have the patience and watch it for the laughs. –DHS

    • Jess says:

      Yeah, after seeing 300, I just can’t take Gerard Butler seriously. Yes, he’s got a great face and a HOT body ;), but he cannot act, and let’s face it… he just picks bad roles.

      Jess, LMAO. No comment on your points made, but the guy is movie poison. –DHS

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