Sea…Sex…and Blood…in 3D. And you thought this would be a good idea to bring your seven-year old son to see this? Yup, that’s right, America…some genius brought his kid in to see Piranha 3D on a Tuesday night. And get this…he didn’t walk out of the theater until the Eli Roth lead wet t-shirt contest about half way through after we already witnessed some gnarly fish attacks and two babes do an underwater ballet in the buff. At least the father finally realized his idiocy…but, man…that seven year-old must have had the time of his life up until that moment. I imagine the father was recently divorced, and he had the kid for the last week of summer and thought, hey, I saw that Piranha movie when I was a kid, and I loved it and turned out just fine! What a great opportunity to bond with junior! Ah, the best laid plans of clueless parents…
But, I digress. Sacre bleu, Alexandre Aja…what in Elizabeth Shue have you gotten into here? Whereas the Roger Corman inspired original (from our man Joe Dante) re-imagined and played on the themes of Spielberg’s Jaws, insane Frenchmen Aja smears his Brie by re-imagining Spielberg’s D-Day Invasion from Saving Private Ryan as “Spring Break Goes To Hell” complete with severed limbs, severed bodies, bloody corpses on the shore and people screaming, “Oh the humanity!”
Here’s what I loved about Piranha 3D — Potential Spoilers Ahead:
- Eli Roth gets his head chopped off and smashed to smithereens by the front of a speed-boat.
- Jerry O’Connell is halved by frenzied man-eating fish.
- A young lady literally loses her face when her hair gets stuck in a boat’s motor.
- Aryan children were in constant jeopardy. Oh, Aja, don’t tell me that casting wasn’t intentional and you weren’t subconsciously trying to work out your French-bread desire to get revenge upon your German invaders!
- A fully clothed and buff Elizabeth Shue gets to play the role of action hero amidst a multitude of younger and barer bouncing breasts – go feminism!
- Christopher Lloyd comes out of nowhere to scream lines like, “This particular species of piranha hasn’t been seen in 2 million years!”
But what do I really love about Piranha 3D? It’s the perfect grindhouse film to put the first nail in the coffin of the latest 3D craze. Like the 3D of old, it realizes it’s a gimmick and should be done on the cheap for shocks and laughs. Unless you are going to do something completely revolutionary like Avatar (or what I hope Scorsese will do with Hugo Cabret) then leave 3D alone. I take great pleasure in knowing this flick pulled in only $10 million its opening weekend at grotesquely inflated 3D prices ($14 a pop at my local chain). Attendance was very low, but because the film was made so cheaply, it will probably turn a profit and allegedly has already sparked plans for a sequel. Also, because it catered to a very select crowd, those who have seen it, have eaten it up…if they haven’t had to leave half way through with their kids. Piranha 3D is the third 3D box office debacle in a row following Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore and Step Up 3D. I think…I pray…people are finally growing tired of the trend and see that it’s merely an excuse for theater chains to jack-up ticket prices.
Oh, Piranha 3D, if you have accomplished what I hope you have accomplished…then I consider you a monumental success in the efforts to put an end to 3D.
In the meantime…you sick bastards have to ask yourself…Have You Been Eaten by a Piranha?
If not…what the hell are you waiting for? This sick 3D shit isn’t going to be around much longer!
Written by David H. Schleicher