A degenerate like myself never needs an excuse to drink or gamble, yet they still insist on playing the Super Bowl every year. Quite frankly, I couldn’t care less about the game. I’m a one sport kind of fan, and my heart belongs to baseball. However, I never turn down the opportunity to legitimize my vices. Super Bowl XLII boasts more appeal than usual as the showdown between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants in Arizona heralds that classic Boston-New York rivalry all sports fans love. The Pats also have the chance to become the first unbeaten team since the 1972 Miami Dolphins.
Now let’s get serious, folks, do we really need a drinking game designed around the Super Bowl? Heck no! Most people will be blitzed before kick-off. Here I present a drinking game for the Super Bowl Party most Americans will be attending. The Super Bowl Party allows for some keen observation of human behavior while socializing with people of all ages in various forms of food and alcohol induced inebriation.
At your party this year, drink every time:
-A woman or small child requests that the person in control of the remote switch over to the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet.
-Somebody says they only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials.
-Somebody laughs way too hard at a totally unfunny commercial.
-Somebody says something to the effect of, “That commercial sucked.”
-The person with the remote switches over to the Puppy Bowl without being asked.
-Somebody wonders out loud whatever happened to the Bud Bowl and/or the Budweiser frogs.
-Two guys debate over who is the greatest quarterback of all time.
-Somebody brings up the 1972 Miami Dolphins.
-People debate the merits of both Manning brothers.
-Somebody asks the resident disgruntled writer, “How’re the book sales going?”
-The resident disgruntled writer/literary-type/film buff begins awkwardly spouting off quotes from There Will Be Blood while clearly intoxicated.
FINAL PREDICTION: I’ll be passed out before the Kitten half-time show on the Puppy Bowl. Meanwhile, Brother Manning the Younger will choke, but not so much that the Giants won’t cover the spread. The Pats will start on one side of the field with their straw, take their straw all the way over to the Giants’ side of the field, and they will drink the Giants’ milkshake. They’ll drink it up and march right into the record books with a perfect season. People will say, “That was one goddamn helluva show.”
POST MORTEM: Who would’ve guessed the Giants would drink the Pats’ milkshake like that in the 4th quarter? Oh well, the ridiculous 7-3 score earlier allowed me to win the 2nd and 3rd quarters in our party’s block pool. Lesson learned: Never bet against a Manning brother.
Written by David H. Schleicher