One Two Three Four I Declare a Chicken War

 VS.

Choose Your Chicken Wisely, Good Citizens!

Look, it’s not like my name is Stan and there’s some Wendy Testaburger out there who I’m trying to impress by being all political and stuff. When I blog about politics, it normally leaves a bad taste in my mouth. You might learn something about me you didn’t care to know and I might learn something about you I didn’t care to know. And then it’s awkward talkin’ for awhile. I’ve tried to avoid taking a side in the recent Chick-fil-A debate. To be honest, I always liked their food and I didn’t understand what one lunatic exec’s political views had to do with that food and the locally owned franchises in my area. But I can’t stand idly by anymore…and here’s why.

Lemme tell you a little story about what happened to me last night. Driving home from a hard day’s work, I was cravin’ some Chick-fil-A as I often do. So I decided to stop on by, and I honestly thought all the recent boycott talk might’ve hurt business and I would be able to conveniently race through the drive-thru in record time. It was all about me, see? What I found was a line around the block and a long wait for some extra-lousy, fatty, greasy, poorly breaded nuggets and soggy waffle fries. Eating the nasty grub at home, I thought, “What the hell?” And then I saw it on the news – Yup! – I unwittingly participated in the hate-laced, Huckabee & Palin-endorsed “Support Chick-fil-A Day.” I became sick to my stomach for multiple reasons.

Then I hopped on-line and saw a friend post something from The Huffington Post about what a hateful, cultish, weird, lawsuit-courting corporation Chick-fil-A had always been.

I could tolerate the heart-clogging grease, but not the heart-breaking hate any longer.

But if the lines around the block proved anything on Wednesday, it was that any boycott would be counteracted by Chick-fil-A’s own homespun support. Chick-fil-A is not going to go out of business any time soon. And I felt helpless as their disgusting food percolated in my upset stomach.

Is there any solution to this problem?

And then I realized – the only way to kill Chick-fil-A is through competition. Let the market (free of politics) solve the problem. Another company could kill Chick-fil-A by simply offering a better product.

Well, shuck my corn– that ain’t gonna happen, right? At least not up North in my neck of the woods where Chick-fil-A practically has a monopoly on fast-food chicken joints. Sure, occasionally you’ll see a Church’s or a Popeye’s or the mythical beast of colon hellfire known as the KFC/Taco Bell two-for-one-hole-in-your-gut combo. But I’m not even sure if what those places serve can legally be classified as chicken – wasn’t KFC legally obliged to take the chicken out of their name for their Petri-dish hormone-stuffed birds?

But down South from where I used to hail – hell – they got choices, y’all!

Behold – Bojangles’! I never leave the state of North Carolina without dining on their world-famous chicken and biscuits. When I lived in Charlotte (the birth place of a lotta flavor, y’all) I would pick Bojangles’ over Chick-fil-A any day.

So what the hey – why can’t we have Bojangles’ up North? Why can’t we move one in right across the street from every Chick-fil-A, give consumers more choices, and let the market decide who wins the Chicken Culture Wars.

I don’t know anything about franchising or about how Bojangles’ operates or if it’s even feasible right now for them to expand north. What I do know (from very minimal googling) is that they seem to like to donate their money to children’s causes, local hospitals and Muscular Dystrophy research. Sounds like a good apolitical corporate citizen to me. And the bottom line is – they make the best damned fast-food fried chicken…yup…I’m gonna say it – IN THE WORLD!

So let’s be clear – Here’s what I support:

  • Freedom and Equality for All
  • Freedom of Speech
  • Choices for Consumers
  • A Market that Decides which Company Lives or Dies
  • And a Better Brand of Chicken for All of America

So c’mon, Bojangles’…what’s it gonna be? We gonna take down this Chick-fil-A or what?

Shit – I didn’t mean to get all political. Maybe I should just shut up and go back to yappin’ about books and movies.

But I don’t know if I can shut my mouth until it’s stuffed with Bojangles’.

Help me, Bojangles’ – you are our only hope.

Written by David H. Schleicher

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15 comments on “One Two Three Four I Declare a Chicken War

  1. FOLLOW-UP – To my friends down South, the choice is clear – Bojangles’ y’all! To my friends up North – until we get Bojangles’ up here, might I recommend Arby’s? I tried their Cravin’ Chicken Sandwich today – and you know what it tasted like? FREEDOM! Wherever you live – chose wisely, citizens. Suggestions welcome.

  2. Great post. We don’t have to go looking for any competition in Minnesota, because the two chick-fil-a’s are sealed off from public consumption at the airport and in a student-access building at the U of M. Raising Cane’s is open to the public everywhere and tastes pretty damn good for unhealthy fast food.

  3. I had barely even heard of this place with the stupid name until they tore down the Carl’s Jr. at Sunset and Highland and slapped up this weird place. I was bemused by all the people — who immediately identified themselves as being non-California natives — losing their marbles over the coming of Chick-fil-a to Los Angeles. I was even more bemused by the long lines that stretched around Sunset Blvd when it finally opened.

    I never planned on going there, but not because of their executive’s antiquated views. (I mean if I only did business at places that didn’t support something I hate I’d probably have to dig through the garbage for food and clothes. Plus I ate at Carl’s Jr. all the time, and Karcher was probably about five steps away from from the KKK.) No I never planned on going there because I’m not really Chick-fil-a’s target demographic. I mean I just don’t like chicken that much. And if I ever have a craving for chicken, Popeye’s is the only fast food place I can stomach.

    Now I’ve heard of Bojangles (my ex went to school in North Carolina), but I can’t say I feel a void because we have the best fast food out here already: In-n-Out. If I’m going to clog my veins and raise my blood pressure I’m going to In-n-Out, where you feel like you’re eating real food with flavor. Just because I want cheap food fast doesn’t mean I want it to taste like crap. (And who cares if they’re crazy Christians too; at least they’re smart enough not to mouth off about it.)

    • And how could I forget Zankou Chicken! It’s a local institution out here. If I ever crave cheap, fast chicken, you have to go to Zankou. Chick-fil-a doesn’t hold a candle.

  4. And by the way, never shy away from talking about politics. This post proves you’re smart about it so it’s ok. Other people who aren’t really aware of the world, history, economics, or other topics need to keep quiet. Unfortunately that describes about 98% of the current Republican party and 74% of the Democratic party.

  5. […] One Two Three Four I Declare a Chicken War (theschleicherspin.com) […]

  6. mediocritiques says:

    Your friend sounds like a fox. And yes I can just TELL! Also- I like when you mix it up especially if you have a fire under your chicken-lovin’ ass! And last, “beast of colon hellfire..” ?!!! Yeats WHO??? 🙂 Love!

  7. […] David Schleicher takes an engaging look at a “chicken war” at The Schleicher Spin:                                                                        https://theschleicherspin.com/2012/08/02/one-two-three-four-i-declare-a-chicken-war/ […]

  8. […] One Two Three Four I Declare a Chicken War (theschleicherspin.com) […]

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